Dear listeners,
I am writing this from my broadcasting booth with the doors locked, the narrative tuner powered down, and—just to be safe—several protective crystals I don’t entirely believe in arranged around my equipment.
This is not how I expected to spend my Tuesday.
What Was Supposed to Happen
The plan was simple: Record a brief 2-minute announcement that our correspondent, Miss Felicity Westfield, has come down with a seasonal illness and would be taking a well-deserved rest. Professional. Straightforward. Dignified.
I should have known better.
What Actually Happened
🎧 Listen Now (Runtime: 3 minutes of concentrated chaos)
Approximately fifteen seconds into my announcement, my equipment registered an unauthorized dimensional breach. Before I could even process what was happening, Vaeloria—Senior Location Manager for Earth Operations—materialized in my booth in a state of considerable panic.
Something about hat telemetry. And biosignatures. And seventeen priority alerts.
I was attempting to explain that portaling into secure broadcast facilities violates approximately forty-seven different protocols when a second portal opened and Lady Kitsune Starweaver herself appeared.
The next ninety seconds can only be described as “professional concern expressed at deafening volumes.”
Key Moments You’ll Experience:
📡 Oliver attempts to make a simple announcement (14 seconds of success)
🌀 Vaeloria’s emergency portal entry and breathless explanation of hat monitoring protocols
🦊 Lady Kitsune’s considerably more composed arrival
🗣️ Two powerful interdimensional beings talking over each other about proper reporting procedures
😤 Oliver finally shouting over both of them
😷 The anticlimactic revelation: It’s just the flu
🚪 Two slightly sheepish portal exits
Technical Notes
For those wondering: Yes, hat telemetry is apparently a real thing. Yes, it detected Felicity’s elevated temperature. No, this did not require emergency intervention across dimensional frequencies.
I’ve since installed additional security protocols. Whether they’ll actually prevent future unauthorized entries is... optimistic at best.
The Silver Lining
At least this written announcement is going smoothly. No one can portal into a Substack post.
[Nervous glance at equipment]
Can they?
Next Week: Regular programming returns with Felicity fully recovered and, I’m assured, completely unaware that her illness triggered a minor interdimensional incident.
Stay tuned to your narrative frequencies, and perhaps consider implementing proper authorization protocols before traveling between dimensions.
Exhaustedly yours,
Oliver
Lead Producer, BBN
(Currently researching portal-proof locks)
P.S. - Felicity has since informed me that the hat telemetry was “a bit excessive” but she’s “touched by the concern.” Lady Kitsune has promised this won’t happen again. Vaeloria has promised to try. I’ve promised myself a very large cup of tea.
🔧 Technical Note: This broadcast was facilitated by BBN’s advanced AI narrative technology, which thankfully remained stable throughout the portal incursions. Unlike my blood pressure.
Support BBN: Your frequency support helps us maintain our equipment, upgrade our security systems, and possibly invest in “Please Knock Before Portaling” signs.
