Dear listeners and increasingly-concerning number of feline observers,
Oliver here, and I need to have a serious conversation with you about cats.
Not just any cats. Your cats. My cat. Every cat that’s ever looked at you with that knowing expression while you were doing something slightly embarrassing.
They’re watching. They’ve always been watching. And I’m having a bit of a crisis about it.
⚠️ BROADCAST ADVISORY ⚠️
This episode represents an emergency normalization meeting between myself and our Earth correspondent, Felicity Westfield. Following the revelations from our interviews with Lady Mittens Starwhisker (Classification Seven) and Boss Kryxar the Unscratched (Classification Seven), we needed to... process some things.
By “process,” I mean “panic professionally while trying to maintain broadcast standards.”
By “some things,” I mean “the existence of interdimensional feline surveillance networks operating on Earth for centuries.”
I’ve checked my mixing board for cat hair seventeen times today. I found some. I don’t own a cat anymore.
This Week’s Transmission
In this 13-minute GMF-exclusive episode from “The Other Side of the Raid,” Felicity and I attempt to establish boundaries and coping mechanisms for continuing BBN operations now that we know the truth about Earth’s feline population.
You’ll discover:
🐱 Why Oliver is now suspicious of every purring sound in his studio
🎩 How Felicity’s new mood-sensing hat is simultaneously wonderful and terrifying
📡 The seventeen functions of interdimensional diplomatic gift technology
🕊️ That corvids also have an intelligence network (because of course they do)
🎪 Why circus music is the official sound of “elevated stress with absurdist situation acceptance”
💝 What it means when someone analyzes 17,000 hours of your emotional patterns
Fair warning: This episode contains discussions of covert surveillance, emotional vulnerability hidden behind British professionalism, therapeutic corvids, and the realization that being observed isn’t the same as being seen.
Also, my audio technician’s cat communicated in Morse code. I’m still processing that.
Technical Note from Oliver
I’ve been building “fictional frequency” equipment in my garage for three years. During that time, I’ve had a cat. A very attentive cat who watched me work every single day.
He moved out last week. To “stay with my sister.”
My sister doesn’t have a flat. She has a canal boat.
Cats don’t like water.
I’m not saying anything definitive, but I am saying I now check my equipment for listening devices regularly. The cat-shaped ones are surprisingly well-hidden.
About This Recording
This episode is less an interview and more a crisis management session between two broadcast professionals trying to maintain composure while their understanding of reality continues to fracture. Felicity is dealing with her own complicated feelings about being Cat Beastkin from the Pleiades while learning that Earth cats have been conducting surveillance operations.
It’s all very meta. The cats probably enjoy watching us figure it out.
We’ve established three ground rules for moving forward:
Acknowledge we’re being monitored but continue anyway (we don’t have a choice)
Don’t actively search for surveillance systems (that way lies madness)
Maintain professional relationships with known operative cats while assuming most cats are just normal jerks who knock things off counters
These are healthy boundaries for people living under interdimensional surveillance.
Yes, I typed that sentence. Yes, I mean it.
Content Advisory
Contains Oliver’s paranoia reaching new heights
Features Felicity’s stress purring (Cat Beastkin response)
Includes discussion of emotion-broadcasting hat technology
May cause you to look at your own cat differently
References Article Seventeen of the Interdimensional Gift Exchange Treaty
Mentions therapeutic corvids with no further explanation
🎧 Listen Now
Runtime: 13 minutes
Press play to experience two broadcast professionals attempting to normalize the utterly abnormal. Featuring Felicity wearing a hat that reveals her emotional state in real-time while discussing how terrifying it is to be emotionally transparent.
The blooper segment includes the hat playing circus music, Vaeloria’s unexpected portal appearance, Mr. Whiskers arriving to discuss smuggling opportunities, and Lady Mittens citing diplomatic protocol. The hat records everything and can reconstruct Felicity’s voice from 47,000 samples.
Privacy is an illusion. At least the hat is fabulous.
From Felicity’s Perspective
Our correspondent has provided the following statement, delivered while her hat displayed lavender with gold threading (resigned acceptance with grudging appreciation):
“The hat that Vaeloria created shows everyone exactly what I’m feeling at all times. It’s calibrated to seventeen thousand hours of my emotional patterns, plays circus music when I’m stressed, and has recorded forty-seven thousand voice samples that it can reconstruct into sentences. This represents either the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received or a comprehensive surveillance system disguised as a hat.
Possibly both.
The hat knows I genuinely like it. Sunshine yellow doesn’t lie. I’m just working through what it means to be understood so completely by someone who watches my every broadcast, tracks my emotional responses, and can apparently manifest through portals whenever the hat is active.
It’s complicated. The hat is currently showing coral pink.
‘Overwhelmed affection for chaotic chosen family,’ apparently. Vaeloria added that color specifically for my BBN interactions.
I need more therapy.”
The Bigger Picture
This episode addresses something we’ve been dancing around since the fourth wall broke completely in Episode 05: What does it mean to continue broadcasting when you know you’re being watched by audiences you never intended to reach?
For me, it’s coming to terms with the fact that my “narrative frequency” equipment actually works, and “fiction” was perhaps not the right word for what we’re doing.
For Felicity, it’s navigating the space between her Cat Beastkin heritage and her understanding of Earth human privacy expectations, all while wearing a hat that broadcasts her emotional state to anyone looking.
For both of us, it’s accepting that surveillance and care can sometimes come from the same source—and that being truly seen by someone who cares might be worth the vulnerability.
Also, the cats are probably filing reports about this entire crisis. They seem to enjoy our chaos.
Post-Episode Notes
🐱 For Cat Owners: Your cat probably isn’t part of the network. Probably. Check if they wink knowingly.
🎩 For Vaeloria: Thank you for the gift basket that arrived after recording. The tea selection was lovely. The GPS tracker in the hat is noted.
📡 For Lady Mittens: Your follow-up message about “proper emotional boundaries in broadcast environments” was received. I’m working on it.
🕊️ For the Corvid Intelligence Collective: Felicity says hello to her therapist.
📻 For Earth’s Feline Population: We know you’re listening. We’re going to keep broadcasting anyway. Please don’t sabotage our equipment more than you already have.
Technical Specifications
BBN utilizes advanced AI narrative technology to facilitate clear communication across dimensional barriers and translate interdimensional frequencies into coherent conversation. This technology apparently also records purring in the background of every broadcast. The cats know. They’ve always known.
Signal strength: Stable (suspiciously so)
Dimensional interference: Minimal (almost like something is maintaining the connection)
Feline observation level: Confirmed
Support BBN
Your support keeps our frequencies clear and our equipment running—despite whatever the cats might be doing to it. Plus, it helps us fund Felicity’s therapy sessions with her crow psychologist.
Access to Classification Seven content requires GMF clearance, which you can obtain here on Substack. The cats already have access. You deserve it too.
Remember: Being watched isn’t the same as being seen. Being seen requires someone who actually cares about what they’re observing.
Stay vigilant (but not too paranoid),
Oliver
Lead Producer, BBN
(Currently accepting this as normal)
P.S. - If your cat brings you a gift and then winks, it’s probably from the network. Accept graciously. There are treaties about this apparently.
P.P.S. - Felicity’s hat is playing circus music again. She says this is my fault. The hat is showing chartreuse with silver spiraling. That’s “irritated but fondly so.”
I’m learning so much about emotional honesty.
Transmitted from the narrative spectrum
Observed by more felines than we’re comfortable contemplating
This has been a Classification Seven broadcast
